The Book of Creation ...
- In the beginning God created Dates.
- And the date was Monday, July 4, 4004 BC.
- And God said, let there be light; and there was light.
And when there was Light, God saw the Date, that it was
Monday, and he got down to work; for verily, he had a Big
Job to do.
- And God made pottery shards and Silurian mollusks and
pre-Cambrian limestone strata; and flints and Jurassic
Mastodon tusks and Picanthopus erectus skulls and
Cretaceous placentals made he; and those cave paintings
at Lasceaux. And that was that, for the first Work Day.
- And God saw that he had made many wondrous things, but
that he had not wherein to put it all. And God said, Let
the heavens be divided from the earth; and let us bury
all of these Things which we have made in the earth; but
not too deep.
- And God buried all the Things which he had made, and that
- And the morning and the evening and the overtime were
- And God said, Let there be water; and let the dry land
appear; and that was that.
- And God called the dry land Real Estate; and the water
called he the Sea. And in the land and beneath it put he
crude oil, grades one through six; and natural gas put he
thereunder, and prehistoric carboniferous forests
yielding anthracite and other ligneous matter; and all
these called he Resources; and he made them Abundant.
- And likewise all that was in the sea, even unto two
hundred miles from the dry land, called he resources; all
that was therein, like manganese nodules, for instance.
- And the morning unto the evening had been a long day;
which he called Wednesday.
- And God said, Let the earth bring forth abundantly every
moving creature I can think of, with or without
backbones, with or without wings or feet, or fins or
claws, vestigial limbs and all, right now; and let each
one be of a separate species. For lo, I can make
whatsoever I like, whensoever I like.
- And the earth brought forth abundantly all creatures,
great and small, with and without backbones, with and
without wings and feet and fins and claws, vestigial
limbs and all, from bugs to brontosauruses.
- But God blessed them all, saying, Be fruitful and
multiply and Evolve Not.
- And God looked upon the species he hath made, and saw
that the earth was exceedingly crowded, and he said unto
them, Let each species compete for what it needed; for
Healthy Competition is My Law. And the species competeth
amongst themselves, the cattle and the creeping things;
and some madeth it and some didn't; and the dogs ate the
dinosaurs and God was pleased.
- And God took the bones from the dinosaurs, and caused
them to appear mighty old; and cast he them about the
land and the sea. And he took every tiny creature that
had not madeth it, and caused them to become fossils; and
cast he them about likewise.
- And just to put matters beyond the valley of the shadow
of a doubt God created carbon dating. And this is the
origin of species.
- And in the Evening of the day which was Thursday, God saw
that he had put in another good day's work.
- And God said, Let us make man in our image, after our
likeness, which is tall and well-formed and pale of hue:
and let us also make monkeys, which resembleth us not in
any wise, but are short and ill-formed and hairy. And God
added, Let man have dominion over the monkeys and the
fowl of the air and every species, endangered or
- So God created Man in His own image; tall and well-formed
and pale of hue created He him, and nothing at all like
- And God said, Behold I have given you every herb bearing
seed, which is upon the face of the earth. But ye shalt
not smoketh it, lest it giveth you ideas.
- And to every beast of the earth and every fowl of the air
I have given also every green herb, and to them it shall
be for meat. But they shall be for you. And the Lord God
your Host suggesteth that the flesh of cattle goeth well
with that of the fin and the claw; thus shall Surf be
wedded unto Turf.
- And God saw everything he had made, and he saw that it
was very good; and God said, It just goes to show Me what
the private sector can accomplish. With a lot of fool
regulations this could have taken billions of years.
- And the evening of the fifth day, which had been the
roughest day yet, God said, Thank me it's Friday. And God
made the weekend.
Last modified: 11/26/1997