- What's the difference between a dog and a fox?
- About five drinks.
- What's the best thing to come out of a dick?
- The wrinkles.
- Why did the guy call his dog Herpes?
- Because he wouldn't heel.
- How can you tell a Delorean driving down the street?
- The white line disappears.
- What kind of tires does a Delorean have?
- Snow tires.
- What are the first words Adam spoke to Eve?
- Stand back, I don't know how big this thing gets.
- What do you call a Filipino contortionist?
- A Manila folder.
- When a man and a woman get married they need a marriage
license. What do Lesbians need?
- A Licker License.
- Why do woman have more problems with hemorrhoids than
- Because God made man the perfect asshole.
- Why did God create woman?
- Because sheep can't cook.
- Why did God invent the climax?
- So that morons would know when to stop screwing.
- What two things in the air can make a woman pregnant?
- Her legs.
- What do you get when you cross a rooster with M&Ms?
- A cock that melts in your mouth.
- What's the difference between a pervert and a kinky
- A kinky person uses a feather and a pervert uses the
- What's the definition of gross?
- When you open your refrigerator, and the rump roast farts
- What's the definition of 'Endless Love?'
- Stevie Wonder and Ray Charles playing tennis.
- What do you get when you cross a princess and a computer?
- A machine that never goes down on you.
- What's a princess' favorite wine?
- 'I wanna go to Palm Springs!'
- How do you know if a princess has an orgasm?
- She drops her nail file.
- What's the difference between a princess and Jell-O?
- Jell-O moves when you eat it.
- Why does Hellen Keller have yellow legs?
- Her dog is blind too.
- How do you tell if you have bad acne?If a blind man can
read your face.
- Did you hear about the new deodorant called Umpire?
- It's for foul balls.
- How do you circumcise a whale?
- Send down four skin divers.
- What do you get when you cross a moron with a mobster?
- A guy who makes you an offer you can't understand.
- Why did the police take the 911 emergency number off the
back of their cars?
- Morons kept stealing them thinking they were Porsches.
- Why aren't cowboys circumcised?
- So they have someplace to keep their Skoal when they eat.
- Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
- He was dead.
- How do you make a baby float?
- One root beer and two scoops baby.
- How does a princess do it doggie style?
- Makes him beg for an hour.
- What did the worm say to the caterpillar?
- What did you do to get that fur coat?
- What's the difference between a woman's track team and a
tribe of smart pigmies?
- The pygmies are a tribe of cunning runts.
- How are a moped and a fat lady similar?
- They are both fun to ride, but you don't want your
friends to see you.
- What's the best thing to give an 80 year old woman?
- Mikey, 'cause he'll eat anything.
- Why don't pygmies use tampons?
- They keep stepping on the string.
- What do you call a cow with no legs?
- Ground beef.
- What do spaghetti and women have in common?
- They both wriggle when you eat them.
- What's the difference between mono and herpes?
- You get mono from snatching a kiss.
- If our ancestors came over on a boat, how did herpes come
- The Captain's dinghy.
- Why is pubic hair curly?
- If it was straight, it would poke your eyes out.
- What do you get when you cross an onion with a donkey?
- A piece of ass that will bring tears to your eyes.
- What do you call a cow that's playing with himself?
- Beef Strokenoff.
- What's green and red and goes 200 miles an hour?
- A frog in a blender.
- What's green and smells like pork?
- Kermit's finger.
- What's old and wrinkled and smells like Ginger?
- Fred Astaire's face.
- Why don't morons eat M&Ms?
- They have a hard time peeling them.
- What's the difference between a Genealogist and a
- One looks up your family tree, while the other looks up
the family bush.
- Why are cowgirls bowlegged?
- 'Cause cowboys eat with their hats on.
- What's black and crispy and comes on a stick?
- Joan of Arc.
- What's the definition of virginity?
- A big issue over a little tissue.
- Why haven't they cremated Colonel Sanders yet?
- They can't decide whether to do him regular or extra
- Why do gorillas have big nostrils?
- Their fingers are so big.
- How was copper wire invented?
- Two cheapskates fighting over a penny.
- Why did the elephant wear tennies?
- Because elevenies were too big.
- What do you get when you cross a rooster with peanut
- A cock that sticks to the roof of your mouth.
- Why did the elephant stand on the marshmallow?
- So he wouldn't fall in the hot chocolate.
- Why does Hellen Keller masturbate with only one hand?
- So she can moan with the other.
- What do you call a princess' water bed?
- The Dead Sea.
- Why do morons keep their fly open?
- In case they want to count to eleven.
- What would Princess Grace be doing if she were alive
- Scratching on the lid of her coffin.
- What's the difference between OOOH and AAAHHH?
- About six inches.
- Did you hear the one about the woman in San Francisco who
was attached by three men?
- Two held her down while the third did her hair.
- What's the difference between a hog and a man?
- A hog doesn't have to sit in a bar and buy drinks all
night just to screw some pig.
- What's brown and has holes in it?
- Swiss shit.
- Did you hear about the moron who picked his nose apart?
- He wanted to see what made it run.
- What's the definition of a cad?
- A man who doesn't tell his wife he's sterile until after
she gets pregnant.
- What do they call children born in whorehouses?
- Brothel sprouts.
- What do you call a midget psychic who just committed a
- A small medium at large.
- What's green and makes holes?
- A drill pickle.
- What's a princess' favorite position?
- Facing Bloomingdale's.
- What's a princess' idea of natural childbirth?
- No make-up.
- Why do princess' close their eye during sex?
- So they can pretend they are shopping.
- What does a princess do during a nuclear attack?
- Get out the tanning lotion.
- Did you hear how the moron hockey team drowned?
- Spring training.
- How do you break a moron's finger?
- Hit him in the nose.
- Did you hear about the moron who went out and bought four
new snow tires?
- They melted on the way home.
- Did you hear about the moron who lost $50 on the football
- $25 on the play and $25 on the instant replay.
- What do you call a pervert with 1500 girlfriends?
- A shepherd.
- Why do farts smell?
- So deaf people can appreciate them too.
- What goes, "Marc, Marc"?
- A dog with a hair lip.
- What goes "Nort, Nort"?
- A bull with a cleft palate.
- What did the moron do before going to the cock fight?
- Greased his zipper.
- Did you hear about the moron who couldn't spell?
- He spent the night in a warehouse.
- Why do women rub their eyes in the morning?
- They don't have balls to scratch.
- How can you tell if a women is wearing pantyhose?
- If her ankles swell when she farts.
- Why is it so great to be a test tube baby?
- You get a womb with a view.
- What did Grace Kelly have that Natalie Wood could've
- A good stroke.
- Who taught Grace Kelly how to drive?
- Ted Kennedy.
- What's blue and sings alone?
- Dan Aykroid.
- What do you get when you cross a deer and a pickle?
- A dildo
- What do tupperware and a walrus have in common?
- They both like a tight seal.
- What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind when
it hits your windshield?
- Its' butt.
- What do you do when you come across an elephant?
- Wipe it off.
- What do you get when you mix holy water with castor oil?
- A religious movement.
- What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a
- The taste.
- Did you hear about the new designer condoms?
- They're called Sergio Prevente.
- What's yellow and green and eats nuts?
- What's yellow and green, has cookie crumbs all over it,
lies on the side of the road and stinks?
- A dead girl scout.
- What has orange hair, big feet, and comes out of a test
- Bozo the Clone.
- Why can't you go to the bathroom at a Beatles concert?
- There's no John.
- Where does virgin wool come from?
- From sheep the herders can't catch.
- What did Helen Keller consider oral sex?
- A manicure.
- Why are electric trains like woman's tits?
- They were originally intended for children, but it's the
fathers that play with them.
- What's brown and fuzzy and lays in the forest?
- Smokey the Hooker.
- What does Pontiac stand for?
- Poor old nitwit thinks it's a Cadillac.
- What's the difference between Michael Jackson and Richard
- Richard Pryor got burned by coke, and Michael Jackson got
burned by Pepsi.
- What's the difference between a porcupine and a Porsche
- With a porcupine, the prick's on the outside.
- Why do woman have such big tits and tight pussies?
- Because men have such big mouths and small dicks.
- Why did they take John Wayne toilet paper off the market?
- Because it was ruff and tough and didn't take shit off of
- What kind of shampoo does Michael Jackson use?
- Head and Smolders.
- What are the qualifications of being a girlfriend of a
- You have to be able to suck start a Harley.
- What do 7' basketball players do in the off season?
- Go to the movies and sit in front of you.
- What do Loretta Switt and Richard Pryor have in common?
- They both had major burns on their face.
- What do Michael Jackson and the Dodgers have in common?
- They both have one glove on their hand for no apparent
- Why did the moron snort Nutrasweet?
- He thought it was diet coke.
- What would we have had if Mondale and Ferraro were
- Three boobs in office.
- How long is a hare on a rabbit?
- About 10 seconds.
- What company is the leading manufacturer of vibrators?
- Genital Electric.
- Why do moron boys have snubbed noses?
- From chasing parked cars.
Last modified: October 17, 1996