A SOUTHERNER MOVES NORTH ...


Monday: 5:00PM. It's starting to snow. The first of the season and the first one we've seen in years. The wife and I took our hot buttered rums and sat by the picture window, watching the soft flakes drift down, clinging to the trees and covering the ground. It was beautiful. So relaxing and peaceful.

Tuesday: We woke up to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a fantastic sight. Every tree and shrub covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time in years and loved it! I did both our driveway and our sidewalk. Later a city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with snow from the street. The driver smiled and waved. I waved back and shoveled it again.

Wednesday: It snowed an additional 5 inched last night and the temperature dropped to around 11 degrees. Several limbs on the trees snapped due to weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again. I wonder about that guy. Why's he always smiling?

Thursday: Warmed up enough during the day to create some slush which turned to ice when the temperature dropped again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Fell on my ass in the driveway. $145 for the emergency room visit but nothing was broken. More snow and ice expected.

Friday: Still cold. Sold the wife's car and bought a 4X4 in order to get her to work. Slid into a guardrail and did a considerable amount of damage to the right rear quarter panel. Had another 8 inches of white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That goddamn snowplow came by twice today, smiling bastard.

Saturday: 2 degrees outside. More fucking snow. Not a tree or shrub on the property that hasn't been damaged. Power was off most of the night and some pipes burst in the basement. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and a kerosene heater which tipped over and nearly burned the house down. I managed to put out the flames but suffered 2nd degree burns on my hands and lost my eyebrows. Brand new 4X4 slid on the ice on way to the emergency room and was totaled.

Sunday: Goddamn mother-fuckin' shit keeps coming down. Have to put on all clothes we own just to get to the fuckin' mailbox. I think the son-of-a-bitch that drives the snowplow hides around the corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then comes down the street about 100MPH, grinning from ear to ear, and buries our driveway again. Fuckin' asshole! If I ever catch him I'll shove a cane pole up his ass and mount him in the front yard as a warning to the next snowplow driver! Power still off. Toilet froze and part of the roof has started to cave in.

Monday: Six goddamn more fuckin' inches of fuckin' snow and fuckin' ice and god knows what other kink of white fuckin' shit fell last night. Wife left me. Car won't start. I think I'm going snowblind. I can't move my toes. Haven't seen the sun in weeks. I wounded the fuckin' snowplow asshole with an ice ax but he got away. More fuckin' snow predicted. Wind chill minus 35 fuckin' degrees. I'm going back to North Carolina!




Last modified: 11/26/1997