More Stephen Wright


My school colors were clear.

I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I'm taking Lamaze classes. I'm not having a baby, I'm just having trouble breathing.

My girlfriend's weird. One day she asked me, "If you could know how and when you were going to die, would you want to know?"
I said, "No."
she said, "Okay, forget it."

I went for a walk last night, and she asked me "How long are you going to be gone?"
I said, "The whole time."

My buddy got busted for counterfeiting. He was making pennies. They caught him because he was putting the heads and tails on the wrong sides. He's in a minimum security prison now; he's on a whiffle-ball and chain.

I like this new idea of voodoo acupuncture. You don't have to go anywhere, you just walk down the street, and all of a sudden, "Ah!"

Hermits have no peer pressure.

Whenever I think of the past, it brings back so many memories...

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.

The other day I saw a rabbit in the forest in front of a candle making pictures of humans on a tree.

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't live there?

The other day, I went to a tourist information booth and asked "Tell me about some of the people who were here last year."

What a nice night for an evening.

When I was in high school, I got in trouble with my girlfriend's Dad.
He said, "I want my daughter back by 8:15." I said, "The middle of August? Cool!"

Did Washington just flash a quarter for his ID?

I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

I live on a one-way dead-end street.

Imagine if birds were tickled by feathers...

I remember when the candle shop burned down. Everyone stood around singing "Happy Birthday".

I accidentally installed the deer whistles on my car backwards. Now everywhere I go, I'm chased by a herd of deer.

I got stopped by a cop the other day.
He said, "Why'd you run that stop sign?"
I said, "Because I don't believe everything I read."

It doesn't matter what temperature a room is, it's always room temperature.

Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.

I was hitchhiking the other day, and a hearse stopped.
I said, "No thanks -- I'm not going that far."

I was driving around recently and saw a sign that said "Rest stop: 25 miles". I thought, "Wow, that's pretty big. Those people must be tired."

I played a blank tape on full volume. The mime who lived next door complained. So I shot him with a gun with a silencer.

I'm a peripheral visionary.

I make my own water -- two glasses of H, one glass of O.

I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'm going to use it.

Ballerinas are always on their toes. Why don't they just get taller ballerinas?




Last modified: November 26, 1997