You might be a Redneck if ...
- Your wife has ever said, "Come move this
transmission so I can take a bath."
- Your grandmother, mother, and wife all have kids the same
- You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
- Your bar tab always equals your paycheck.
- The liquor store knows you by your first name.
- You run out of beer and your friends go home.
- Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
- You videotape fishing shows.
- You've ever hit a deer with your car... deliberately.
- You get homesick watching cops.
- You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
- You've ever eaten out of a minnow bucket.
- You always answer the door with a baseball bat in your
- You move to another state so you can buy beer on Sundays.
- You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
- Your hood ornament used to be a bowling trophy.
- You've ever been arrested for loitering.
- You own half of a pick-up truck.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- You have your own private booth at the Dairy Queen.
- You've totaled every car you've owned.
- The strongest smell in your house is butane.
- You panicked when Sears discontinued its catalog.
- There are more than five McDonald's bags currently on the
floorboard of your car.
- There is a hot water bottle hanging from your shower
- Your clothesline has at least two splices in it.
- A full moon remonds you of your mother-in-law pullin'
- There are more than 4 hats in the rear window of your
- You've never paid for a haircut.
- You give "chinette" as a wedding present.
- Your kids trip over the
Christmas lights while hunting for Easter eggs.
- Three-fourths of all the
clothes you own have logos on them.
- When you leave your house,
you are followed by federal agents of the
- Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco
and Firearms, and the only thing you worry about is how
to lose them.
- Your gene pool doesn't have
a "deep end."
- You can't marry your
sweetheart because there is a law against it.
- You've ever laid rubber
while traveling in a funeral procession.
- Getting a package from your
post office requires a full tank of gas in the truck.
- You dated your daddy's
current wife in high school.
- You've ever towed another
car using panty hose and duct tape.
- Your coat of arms features a
- You own a denim leisure
- You use Armor-All on your
- Your spare tire is a cement
- The UFO hotline limits you
to one call per day.
- Your spring wardrobe mostly
involves using scissors.
- Your tires are worth more
than your truck.
- You tried to claim
"loss of teeth" as an exemption on your taxes.
- Your daddy's legacy is a gun
rack and Jerry Clower's autograph on a Stuckey's napkin.
- You bought your best pair of
shoes off the impulse rack by the register.
- You think beef jerky and
Moonpies are two of the major food groups.
- You take out a home
improvement loan to buy a new camper shell.
- You and six of your
neighbors split a cable bill.
- Jack Daniel makes your list
of most admired people.
- You prefer car keys to
- You have a sign on your
front door explaining house rules and liability.
- People don't recognize your
car without a dead animal on the hood.
- Your mailbox holds up one
end of your clothesline.
- You participate in the
"Who can spit tobacco the farthest?" contest.
- You know of at least 6
different ways to bend the bill of a baseball cap.
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Last modified: November 26, 1997