Short Takes ...


A young officer is working late at the Pentagon one evening. As he comes out of his office about 8pm he sees a General standing by the classified document shredder in the hallway, a piece of paper in his hand.

"Do you know how to work this thing?" the General asks. "My secretary's gone home and I don't know how to run it."

"Yes, sir," says the young officer, who turns on the machine, takes the paper from the General, and feeds it in.

(PAUSE)

"Now," says the General, "I just need one copy....."


Pillsbury Dough Boy wanted for attempted murder

A lady named Linda went to Arkansas last week to visit her in-laws,and while there, went to a store. She parked next to a car with a woman sitting in it, her eyes closed and hands behind her head, apparently sleeping. When Linda came out a while later, she again saw the woman, her hands still behind her head but with her eyes open.

The woman looked very strange, so Linda tapped on the window and said "Are you okay?" The woman answered "I've been shot in the head, and I am holding my brains in."

Linda didn't know what to do, so she ran into the store, where store officials called the paramedics. They had to break into the car because the door was locked. When they got in, they found that the woman had bread dough on the back of her head and in her hands.

A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded, apparently from the heat in the car, making a loud explosion like that of a gunshot, and hit her in the head. When she reached back to find what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She passed out from fright at first, then attempted to hold her brains in.


Definition of Windows 95

Windows 95: n.

32 bit extensions and a graphical shell for a 16 bit patch to an 8 bit operating system originally coded for a 4 bit microprocessor written by a 2 bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition.


(from the home offices in Seattle, these are the top ten indications that the recent Microsoft/Apple agreement is working...).

10. Windows users can now start PC's from keyboard, Macintoshes implement convenient "Ctrl-Alt-Del" keyboard macro.

9. Next Mac OS code-named "Seattle".

8. Instead of long distance bickering, Gates and Jobs can now engage in hallway slap-fights.

7. Diehard Mac loyalists begin passing out laced pudding and Kool-Aid.

6. Both sides agree to maintain industry-standard "6 reboots a day".

5. Gates refers to Jobs as "the handsome one", Jobs refers to Gates as "Mr. Gates".

4. Microsoft can now focus on it's real goal...getting Win 95 laptops into more movies.

3. New Apple logo shows Bill Gates taking a bite.

2. The world discovers that the Mac OS is really just 30,000 batch files compiled together, running on DOS 2.1.

...and the number 1 indication that the Microsoft/Apple agreement is working

1. Apple given a whole month to lose Gates' $150 million.

Steve Shamblen




Last modified: 11/26/1997