Twas the Newt before Christmas, and throughout the White House
Al Gore was eyeing Hillary, peering into her blouse.
the secret service men were guarding the premises with care,
for a whole host of democrats were vacationing there.
Chelsea was nestled all snug in her bed
after locking out Mr Kennedy and the dirty thoughts in his head.
and Bill in his sportcoat, a heavy grey tweed
had just fried his brain with some mexican weed!
When out in the garden came a plethora of noise
all drunken and rowdy...it was Newt and the boys!
Bill jumped to the window, and tore open the sash
"its a raid, boys!", he cried..."quick, go hide my stash!"
The pot in his blood and the moon on the snow
gave a psychedelic haze to the objects below.
When what to Bills bloodshot eyes should appear
but a slew of republicans and a keg of iced beer!
The big old leader, all lively and fat
he knew it was Newt, proponent of GATT!
as vicious as vipers, the republicans came
and Bill recognized them, and called them by name
"Hey, Helms! Hey, Thurmond! hey Packwood and Hatch! Hey
Dole, hey Pataki----its time for a bash!"
A collective cheer rose up from the crowd--
"lets listen to Nugent and turn it up loud!"
Together dems and republicans danced and sang out in cheer
"Screw health care and Haiti, its time to drink beer!"
When from the chimney came a blinding black cloud of soot
and Limbaugh jumped from the fireplace in a red santa suit.
He moved through the crowd, then he held up his hand
and when all was silent, he did a keg stand.
And the crowd raised their cups, as newt bowed down in prayer
and brewski did flow as freely as welfare!
As Kennedy and Reno romped in the green room
the rest of the crooks outlined their agenda of doom
"We'll pray in the schools, we'll shove it down their throats!"
"More welfare, more taxes....we'll still get the votes!"
And they drank, hugged and danced, and they crossed party
and they cheered "it doesn't matter, we're ALL bastard swine!"
so they threw out allegiance and partisan crap
and all took turns sitting on the president's lap.
And Gephardt and Dole passed out on the lawn
And awoke the next morning without their pants on.
And packwood gave tipper a pat on the rear,
while Judge Thomas and miss hill went after more beer.
Then the partygoers discovered a sight, so touching and cute
President Clinton fast asleep, snuggled up next to Newt!
Santa Limbaugh smiled and threw up on his boots....
"A Merry Clinton to all, and to all a good Newt!"
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Last modified: January 12, 1997